I really like this one.
How wonderful it would be
to be wrapped in the invisible arms of comfort
to feel the assurance of a world's worth of lies holding me close at night
to be accepted into a chanting group, so full of doubt that a chain of arms touch a row of heaving backs, struggling beneath the weight of pretending so hard, so long, so much
I wish I could reach out a begging hand and imagine I feel the tendrils of warmth from Beyond
I wish I did not block the happiness that others convince themselves of so easily
I wish the love extended to us, the over-thinking, over-calculating, over-done
But I am draped in impenetrable garb of logic, and with the thought and consideration I have gained, I have lost the soft luxury of prayer.
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
(Select) things I submitted to the Creative Writing magazine
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me flabbergasted.
Why?
Why does it have to be you, of all people?
A man who pays no mind to the emotions around him
A boy who doesn't seem to understand affection.
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me terrified.
What if?
sWhat if it doesn't work out, and what we have now is ruined?
A man who listens and talks with me
A boy who soothes and comforts me.
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me confused.
How?
How did this happen so quickly, so hard?
A man who acts as if he's interested
A boy who makes it seem like a joke.
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me elated.
When?
When did I move on and realize you were so much better for me?
A man with morals and depth and spirit
A boy with genuine concern and drive to protect me.
I think I love you.
Let’s wait and see.
I hear it before I see it
The murmur of protests, the shouts of agreement
thud
thud
thud
of a mass of people united for one cause
they spill across the grounds
shoving signs into the air for the gods to ignore
hundreds of feet trample others lack of compassion
Tell me what Democracy looks like
they want to know
have forgotten
we all have
tourists part for them, sympathetic to the cause,
Maybe.
too nervous to hold ground,
Probably.
too lazy to join in and help,
Yes.
the crowd envelopes me, and I am not afraid
Most tower over me, but room is made for everyone and I am not an exception
their signs block out the oppressive heat of the sun and I am grateful
Everyone is chanting the same thing, but
every voice tells a different story
"I worked hard but still lost my job," a man says
"My children don't have enough to eat," one woman worried
"Where is our future headed?" we all ask,
standing in the streets we were founded upon, where Jefferson laid his plans
Tell me what Democracy looks like
the officials escort us because
they're in the same boat
nurses, teachers, artists
children, adults, elderly
gay, straight, bi
we all make up the 99 percent
the tired, the poor, the huddled masses
yearning to breathe free of the ties
they have placed around our ankles, expecting us to fall
yet we rise
Tell me what Democracy looks like
We are taking the streets that belong to we the people
for the people, by the people
not
for the rich, by the poor
We rally for justice
We rally for change
We rally because we have the right and the opportunity and the numbers
We rally because it's all we can do
because we've reached the ends of our ropes and we're not entirely sure how to change but only that change is needed, and we intend to get it
Tell me what Democracy looks like
This is what Democracy looks like
little black diary
evidential of our differences yet
showing how alike we are
your pain is bone deep
and I weep for my ability to do nothing
to offer no words of comfort nor wisdom
for how is the child supposed to aid the father
in a matter that leaves us all confused?
I cannot stop you from doing a thing
and you cannot comprehend how hard it is nor how long it has taken to be able to admit that
I cannot control what you do.
your life is but a wisp held in your shaking hands
I wish I could protect it
seal it in iron bars and oak doors and hire large men to stand abreast the structure and stare menacingly at any negative ideas or people
I wish I could police your life and keep you safe
wishes that I'm sure you extend to me,
to keep me happy and extroverted and fun
but we can't.
We are far away, and technology remains unreliable
we are our own people who ultimately make our own decisions
so we will walk the fragile thread of trust we've recreated, hand in hand
willing the one not to fall, lest we take the other with us.
Five simple words that leave me flabbergasted.
Why?
Why does it have to be you, of all people?
A man who pays no mind to the emotions around him
A boy who doesn't seem to understand affection.
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me terrified.
What if?
sWhat if it doesn't work out, and what we have now is ruined?
A man who listens and talks with me
A boy who soothes and comforts me.
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me confused.
How?
How did this happen so quickly, so hard?
A man who acts as if he's interested
A boy who makes it seem like a joke.
I think I love you.
Five simple words that leave me elated.
When?
When did I move on and realize you were so much better for me?
A man with morals and depth and spirit
A boy with genuine concern and drive to protect me.
I think I love you.
Let’s wait and see.
I hear it before I see it
The murmur of protests, the shouts of agreement
thud
thud
thud
of a mass of people united for one cause
they spill across the grounds
shoving signs into the air for the gods to ignore
hundreds of feet trample others lack of compassion
Tell me what Democracy looks like
they want to know
have forgotten
we all have
tourists part for them, sympathetic to the cause,
Maybe.
too nervous to hold ground,
Probably.
too lazy to join in and help,
Yes.
the crowd envelopes me, and I am not afraid
Most tower over me, but room is made for everyone and I am not an exception
their signs block out the oppressive heat of the sun and I am grateful
Everyone is chanting the same thing, but
every voice tells a different story
"I worked hard but still lost my job," a man says
"My children don't have enough to eat," one woman worried
"Where is our future headed?" we all ask,
standing in the streets we were founded upon, where Jefferson laid his plans
Tell me what Democracy looks like
the officials escort us because
they're in the same boat
nurses, teachers, artists
children, adults, elderly
gay, straight, bi
we all make up the 99 percent
the tired, the poor, the huddled masses
yearning to breathe free of the ties
they have placed around our ankles, expecting us to fall
yet we rise
Tell me what Democracy looks like
We are taking the streets that belong to we the people
for the people, by the people
not
for the rich, by the poor
We rally for justice
We rally for change
We rally because we have the right and the opportunity and the numbers
We rally because it's all we can do
because we've reached the ends of our ropes and we're not entirely sure how to change but only that change is needed, and we intend to get it
Tell me what Democracy looks like
This is what Democracy looks like
little black diary
evidential of our differences yet
showing how alike we are
your pain is bone deep
and I weep for my ability to do nothing
to offer no words of comfort nor wisdom
for how is the child supposed to aid the father
in a matter that leaves us all confused?
I cannot stop you from doing a thing
and you cannot comprehend how hard it is nor how long it has taken to be able to admit that
I cannot control what you do.
your life is but a wisp held in your shaking hands
I wish I could protect it
seal it in iron bars and oak doors and hire large men to stand abreast the structure and stare menacingly at any negative ideas or people
I wish I could police your life and keep you safe
wishes that I'm sure you extend to me,
to keep me happy and extroverted and fun
but we can't.
We are far away, and technology remains unreliable
we are our own people who ultimately make our own decisions
so we will walk the fragile thread of trust we've recreated, hand in hand
willing the one not to fall, lest we take the other with us.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Just cranked this out. I feel better.
Fire used to dance between our lips
but now it spouts from your fingertips
holding my hand yet letting it go
not bothering to hide, with no emotions to show
you smell of rushed thought and haggard feelings
showing things that leave me reeling
in your eyes you show me how you saw us
a big tall you, and me, just out of touch
but did you reach? Did you fight?
Did you think of me when you slept at night?
Did I haunt you as you did me?
Did you ever see yourself upon one knee?
Or was that all your fantasy?
My hands itch to slap and my lips long to kiss
the love sick face I've learned to miss
When blood shot eyes became blood clad arms,
did you reach to save me from harm?
The answer is no, we both know that
you claimed it was more of an issue of “can't”
and I'd bow my head, comfortable with yielding
not seeing the steep slope down which I was heading
your murmurings used to comfort me
but now I'm beginning to see
we were living in a fantasy
I cannot hate you, because the fault is shared;
it's not a question of either of us having cared
A simple glance could show that it was true
You loved me, and I loved you
But we were both idealistic and stupid, you know.
I thought you'd change, and you let go
assuming that we'd ok with no work at all
regardless of when I would try to call
and tell you, bluntly, we needed to talk
“Not now love,” you'd say, “I need to take a walk.”
And I'd recede, as is my habit
Not raising a fuss for a fear of...well, this.
And now you've had your say, as I can see
Now there's you, and now there's me,
And I'm sick of living in a fantasy.
but now it spouts from your fingertips
holding my hand yet letting it go
not bothering to hide, with no emotions to show
you smell of rushed thought and haggard feelings
showing things that leave me reeling
in your eyes you show me how you saw us
a big tall you, and me, just out of touch
but did you reach? Did you fight?
Did you think of me when you slept at night?
Did I haunt you as you did me?
Did you ever see yourself upon one knee?
Or was that all your fantasy?
My hands itch to slap and my lips long to kiss
the love sick face I've learned to miss
When blood shot eyes became blood clad arms,
did you reach to save me from harm?
The answer is no, we both know that
you claimed it was more of an issue of “can't”
and I'd bow my head, comfortable with yielding
not seeing the steep slope down which I was heading
your murmurings used to comfort me
but now I'm beginning to see
we were living in a fantasy
I cannot hate you, because the fault is shared;
it's not a question of either of us having cared
A simple glance could show that it was true
You loved me, and I loved you
But we were both idealistic and stupid, you know.
I thought you'd change, and you let go
assuming that we'd ok with no work at all
regardless of when I would try to call
and tell you, bluntly, we needed to talk
“Not now love,” you'd say, “I need to take a walk.”
And I'd recede, as is my habit
Not raising a fuss for a fear of...well, this.
And now you've had your say, as I can see
Now there's you, and now there's me,
And I'm sick of living in a fantasy.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
2:37 am 11-10-09
I wish I could be one of those people
who says they've looked into the eyes of the devil
and spat into them
But I am not.
I cowered and panicked
Where others before have risen up
I let myself stay beaten down.
I have taken responsibility for things not of my doing
I have lied.
To others, yes. But mostly myself.
The worst sin of all
For when all others leave you, who else do you have?
I became a slave of my depression
I am a slave of my depression
No longer.
These cuts on my flesh will be the last done by me
I will be empowered when power seems lost
I will be the master of my own destination
That thin piece of metal will not control me
I will not let it control me.
For I am a beautiful person with love worth sharing
And I will not stay in this darkness any longer.
I will remember that I did nothing to deserve what has happened to me
I WILL NOT LET IT CHANGE WHO I AM
who says they've looked into the eyes of the devil
and spat into them
But I am not.
I cowered and panicked
Where others before have risen up
I let myself stay beaten down.
I have taken responsibility for things not of my doing
I have lied.
To others, yes. But mostly myself.
The worst sin of all
For when all others leave you, who else do you have?
I became a slave of my depression
I am a slave of my depression
No longer.
These cuts on my flesh will be the last done by me
I will be empowered when power seems lost
I will be the master of my own destination
That thin piece of metal will not control me
I will not let it control me.
For I am a beautiful person with love worth sharing
And I will not stay in this darkness any longer.
I will remember that I did nothing to deserve what has happened to me
I WILL NOT LET IT CHANGE WHO I AM
Thursday, September 3, 2009
2 entries, because I'm too lazy to load the posting screen twice.
1.: 8-26-09
My mother was practicing alcoholic until I was halfway to my 16th birthday. A damned fine job she did of it, too. I could count on my hands the number of times I kissed her good night through those years. Even less were the time I did but couldn't smell the vodka saturating her very being.
A lot changed that year. I got my first boyfriend in February; I got my brother back (then lost him again) after his escapade to jail beginning in November. My self destructive patterns sped up then slowed again. I lost weight then gained my loss plus more back. I learned what it feels like to lays in the arms of some you love and know they love you back.
--Unfinished.
2.: 8-31-09
Books have a way of overplaying a person's eyes, giving them descriptions only plausible in Japanese cartoons. For example, I for one have never met e person with steel gray eyes. I don't think they exist.
However, saying his were red would have been spot on. From far away, they could have easily been mistaken for brown. Close up, the color of autumn leaves that I would loved to jump into right then and there. Crimson around the pupil, bleeding into a forest green, Framed with the longest and thickest eyelashes I have ever seen on a man who was not wearing makeup, they were beautiful. He was also the only person I had ever seen whose eyes actually smiled. Books always seem to say that, too. Maybe that's just what happens when you fall in love with someone. You see things that no one else could; the ghost of a laugh on their lips, the way their body is always turned slightly towards you no matter what the setting, even the future gleam of gold on their ring finger.
Sort of unfinished, I guess. I doubt I'll go back to that.
Trying to keep up with my writing. Just most of it lately is all emo and has nothing to do with my book and it pisses me off.
My mother was practicing alcoholic until I was halfway to my 16th birthday. A damned fine job she did of it, too. I could count on my hands the number of times I kissed her good night through those years. Even less were the time I did but couldn't smell the vodka saturating her very being.
A lot changed that year. I got my first boyfriend in February; I got my brother back (then lost him again) after his escapade to jail beginning in November. My self destructive patterns sped up then slowed again. I lost weight then gained my loss plus more back. I learned what it feels like to lays in the arms of some you love and know they love you back.
--Unfinished.
2.: 8-31-09
Books have a way of overplaying a person's eyes, giving them descriptions only plausible in Japanese cartoons. For example, I for one have never met e person with steel gray eyes. I don't think they exist.
However, saying his were red would have been spot on. From far away, they could have easily been mistaken for brown. Close up, the color of autumn leaves that I would loved to jump into right then and there. Crimson around the pupil, bleeding into a forest green, Framed with the longest and thickest eyelashes I have ever seen on a man who was not wearing makeup, they were beautiful. He was also the only person I had ever seen whose eyes actually smiled. Books always seem to say that, too. Maybe that's just what happens when you fall in love with someone. You see things that no one else could; the ghost of a laugh on their lips, the way their body is always turned slightly towards you no matter what the setting, even the future gleam of gold on their ring finger.
Sort of unfinished, I guess. I doubt I'll go back to that.
Trying to keep up with my writing. Just most of it lately is all emo and has nothing to do with my book and it pisses me off.
Friday, July 31, 2009
6-23-09 "Religious Experience"
All of this
hate
and the only explanation
is that I don't deserve
love
15 years
operating
under that mindset
has the power to
make or
break a person
but I was broken from the beginning
then you came
and taught me
that just because it hadn't been proven
didn't mean it didn't exist
love
this
love
you showed me
make me feel for you
swam against the current of
hate
a difficult, painful process
old habits are hard to break
you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink
I'm sipping
love
I'm timid, left scared and battered from
hate
frightened, that as soon as I attempt to quench my thisrt
you'll leave and take your
love
with you. And I
hate
this mistrust I feel. I
hate
my part for leaving me so suspicious. But I
love
you for showing me the way.
hate
and the only explanation
is that I don't deserve
love
15 years
operating
under that mindset
has the power to
make or
break a person
but I was broken from the beginning
then you came
and taught me
that just because it hadn't been proven
didn't mean it didn't exist
love
this
love
you showed me
make me feel for you
swam against the current of
hate
a difficult, painful process
old habits are hard to break
you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink
I'm sipping
love
I'm timid, left scared and battered from
hate
frightened, that as soon as I attempt to quench my thisrt
you'll leave and take your
love
with you. And I
hate
this mistrust I feel. I
hate
my part for leaving me so suspicious. But I
love
you for showing me the way.
7-29-09
I have a cockroach in a jar
And I love to watch him struggle
Trying to find his freedom
His wings extend but he won't get far
He squirms and runs and flips about
This glass prison confuses him
Almost depressing to watch his little legs
Yet I know I'll never let him out
Call me sociopathic
Call me fucking deranged
But there's something soothing to my soul
to watch something else be frantic
He'll slowly starve, asphyxiate
And I will watch in wonder
As I see something die like I have inside
As the hunger to see pain I satiate
A thought occurs as I watch him try
There's enough pain in the world without my contributing
This small bug had done nothing wrong
His life is something I have no right to deny
I had a cockroach in a jar
Yesterday I smiled as he flew away
I returned his freedom I had wrongfully stolen
And hoped his wings would take him far.
And I love to watch him struggle
Trying to find his freedom
His wings extend but he won't get far
He squirms and runs and flips about
This glass prison confuses him
Almost depressing to watch his little legs
Yet I know I'll never let him out
Call me sociopathic
Call me fucking deranged
But there's something soothing to my soul
to watch something else be frantic
He'll slowly starve, asphyxiate
And I will watch in wonder
As I see something die like I have inside
As the hunger to see pain I satiate
A thought occurs as I watch him try
There's enough pain in the world without my contributing
This small bug had done nothing wrong
His life is something I have no right to deny
I had a cockroach in a jar
Yesterday I smiled as he flew away
I returned his freedom I had wrongfully stolen
And hoped his wings would take him far.
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