6-23-09 "Religious Experience"

All of this
hate
and the only explanation
is that I don't deserve
love
15 years
operating
under that mindset
has the power to
make or
break a person
but I was broken from the beginning
then you came
and taught me
that just because it hadn't been proven
didn't mean it didn't exist
love
this
love
you showed me
make me feel for you
swam against the current of
hate
a difficult, painful process
old habits are hard to break
you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink
I'm sipping
love
I'm timid, left scared and battered from
hate
frightened, that as soon as I attempt to quench my thisrt
you'll leave and take your
love
with you. And I
hate
this mistrust I feel. I
hate
my part for leaving me so suspicious. But I
love
you for showing me the way.

7-29-09

I have a cockroach in a jar
And I love to watch him struggle
Trying to find his freedom
His wings extend but he won't get far

He squirms and runs and flips about
This glass prison confuses him
Almost depressing to watch his little legs
Yet I know I'll never let him out

Call me sociopathic
Call me fucking deranged
But there's something soothing to my soul
to watch something else be frantic

He'll slowly starve, asphyxiate
And I will watch in wonder
As I see something die like I have inside
As the hunger to see pain I satiate

A thought occurs as I watch him try
There's enough pain in the world without my contributing
This small bug had done nothing wrong
His life is something I have no right to deny

I had a cockroach in a jar
Yesterday I smiled as he flew away
I returned his freedom I had wrongfully stolen
And hoped his wings would take him far.

7-28-09

I've died, and no one knows
I lay in tatters, a pile of ruin
And everyone looks on
My mortal shell remains in tact
But me and my ka have been
corrupted, disrupted
by the environment and society I was born into
No longer does a neighbor lend a hand
Fences are erected to protect what is ours
No longer do we care about the world around us
The bitter beast of apathy has swallowed compassion and left darkness of hearts in its' wake.

No longer are we free, loving people.
We are chained by the ropes of hate and ignorance.

And so I've died.
Because the world moved on.
And I chose swim.


-Inspired in part by The Dark Tower series by Stephen King, and Weeds.

5-27-09 I plan on reading the final version of this at the summer coffee shop.

thoughts
thoughts nagging
tugging pulling stretching
pinching at my brain
for its' undivided attention
telling me to look back
back
back
to before
wand what is was like then
before
before lighting struck the world in two
and released the evils that had been
repressed
oppressed
this repression of depression
when released, brings you to
your knees
shaking knocking knees
something has pulled the rug out
from underneath you now skinned
feet
feet
feet away from what you know to be the truth
you can taste it
so different from the taste of lies
metallic
rusty
pristine beautiful glass lies
force fed, spoon fed lies
but you know
no, you don't know
it knows
the small voice in the your head
that diagnoses these truths as lies
that lies
dormant
cozy
in the back of your skull
until your conscience calls upon it
for it's professional opinion
opinions
gossiping opinions
spread
like wildfire
spread
like warm butter
over your unsuspecting
blissfully ignorant
"truths"
opinions
which introduce the acidic seed
of doubt
which burns through your white picket fence
fantasies
and reveals the
horrible
beautiful
truth

Written 4-25-09

Its vastness calms me like nothing else can. Watching the lazy ripples flow reminds me that we are not in a hurry, to take it easy.
The sunlight bounces off of the bloated reeds growing under water in varying shades of brown yellow and green.
Long dead trees stick out of the far side like the crew of a cap sizing boat waving their last good byes.

I wrote this about the big pond at the cabin. I was going to do a whole page type thing, but the dog interrupted my thought process by trying to chase a bird and forcing me to take her back up to the building.

4/11/09

I understand.
I don't want to
Because if I don't blame you,
who do I blame?
And you don't deserve to get off scott-free.
I almost sympathize
Good Lord
I don't want to
I don't want to see how your mind works
Because that means
that I'm more like you than I thought
No.
I want to curl up and have you hole me like you never did
I want you to brush the tears away and lie to me
-tell me everything will be alright
-tell me I'm beautiful
-tell me I'm perfect
Lies.
Pristine glass lies.
I don't want to see the truth
want to live under a rock like everyone else.
I want to be normal.
Kill me.

2-4-09--in Business Law class

lowered
farther
when you thought you couldn't be
unto a mere phrase
perpetrator
the shooter
the disturbed child
no one notices
the reversal of roles
they're being called
what you've been all this time
the victim
They ask why
what irony
you've been wondering the same thing
for years and years
They have only themselves to blame
deep down they know it
they could have prevented it
too late now
you smile
you got what you wanted
you made your mark on this place
with their blood upon the wall.




I also have a story that I started a while back that begins with pretty much these same lines. It's not even close to finished, but I may post what little I have up here sometime.